Phone answering machine messages

I started collecting these things back in college, back when the Internet was young and newsgroups were all we had to keep us busy. (And when we used to actually have answering machines instead of voicemail!)

I’ve put a bunch of them here – let me know if you use any of them! Also you can suggest your own if I’ve missed some. – Matt

Oh, and if you end up using one of these (or just want to give me a quick email) , please let me know – I get 50 visitors a day to this page and nobody says hello… *sniff*

“Hi! I don’t exist at the moment, but if you leave your message, name and number, I’ll call you back when I am…” *beep*

“You’ve reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now, so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog, we’ll get right back to you with your penance.”

(1) “Hello, this is Ron. (pause) Hello? Hello!!? Nah, just kidding. This is an answering machine. (etc.)”

(2) “Hello, this is Ron. I’m not home right now, but I can take a message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil.” (background noise – open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.) “OK, what would you like me to tell me?”

Also, something you might do after you’ve had the machine for a few months is start answering in person with “Hello, this is a live voice.” (Variation on a theme by “The Cosby Show”.) Or you could try answering your own phone with “Hello, is Ron there?”

“We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave your name, number, and Master Card, Visa, or American Express account number and we’ll get back to, pending credit approval.”

“You have reached the <city>,<state> Strategic Air Command Nuclear Missle Storage Facility. We are unable to come to the phone right now. At the tone, please leave you name, number and target or list of targets and we’ll launch as soon as we can. And have a nice day.”

[imitating Ensign Chekov] “Oh, sair…it was *Khan*! He made us say things…do things…he kept us from answering the phone! But Keptin was strong, and if you leave your name and number, Keptin will get back to you as soon as he can!” <BEEP>

[imitating Mr. Rogers] “Hello. I’m in the Magic Kingdom right now, so I can’t come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure…I knew you could.” <BEEP>

Steve: Hello, Steve and Matt aren’t here right now but if…
Matt: Steve, what are you doing?
Steve: I’m leaving a phone message since we aren’t here.
Matt: But you left the last one — it’s my turn.
Steve: No, I’m sure it’s my turn.
Matt: No, you’re incorrect. It’s definitely my turn.
Steve: You fool. I know it’s … wait …
Matt … what are you doing with that frying pan?!?
BONK [really loud thud]
Matt: Steve is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

“Hello. I’m David’s answering machine. What are you?”

(Annoying flute music in background) Good day, Jim. Your contact, [insert name], is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim.

“Steve is reassembling Elvis’ brain and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name …”, etc.

“Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can’t come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message I’ll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week’s National Enquirer.”

In the background can be heard Gregorian Chant or some other church music <In a soft voice> Good Day My child, you have reached {name} dial a confession. At the tone if you will leave your name, number and short confession I will get back to you with your pennance. Thank you and may God go with you. <Beep>

Hi this is mary. I’m sorry I can’t answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by the phone until I call you back.

A friend was at a mutal friend’s sister’s house, and when she went out for beer, he changed her answering machine message. In a loud, deep, gravely, horror-film voice he recorded, “HI, THIS IS KATHY, I’M NOT MYSELF RIGHT NOW. IF YOU LEAVE YOUR NAME AND NUMBER, I’LL GET BACK TO YOU WHEN I’M FEELING BETTER.”

<Phone Rings> Noisy pick-up of phone Uh…<wisperingly> Hello? Hi, I ‘m a burgular and I was just about to steal Troy’s answering machine. If you give me your name and number I’ll..uh, I’ll post it on the ‘frige where he’ll see it. Uh.. by the way, where did you say you live?

[Must have good Australian accent] G’day mate. Can’t come to the phone now because I’m a bit tied up with this crocodile. Just leave a message, and I’ll get back to you.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number and recite a sentence using today’s vocabulary word. Today’s word is supercilious…

The President is not in his office at this time. Please leave your name, phone number, the name of the country you wish to invade, and the secret password.

Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was: “This is Jeff, you’re not in now so I’ll leave a message.” Really confused people.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future….

Hello. I can’t come to the phone now because–HEY, GEORGE! DON’T STAND ON THAT–goddam. …because I’ve invited George and Barbara Bush over <loud music cuts in>…BARBARA! HEY! DON’T MESS WITH THAT!…over for dinner. After the tone…BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG…MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! …great…Leave a message after the tone…HEY, BOZO…<beep>

Hello. Lindsey’s not home now–this is his domestic droid speaking. I’m not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.

“Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name here) can’t come to the phone right now, because he’s spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera…”

One day I had a borrowed Casio sampler toy and used it to create a rather interesting one: Hello. You have reached Tooooommmmmm Tom Tm! Tom and MaMaMaMarMMMMaark’s room. Tom is studying ssttuuddyyiinngg sssssssssssss and MaMark isn’isn’isn’isn’t here. isn’t here. P-P-Pleas! leave a messssssssage. Goodbye. ‘bye! bye!bbyebybyyeyeyebbye {byes repeating at all different pitches}

My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great recording (call after 5 pm for the message). [Give it try! -MC]

<Ring> In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans. <Husky, Soft female voice is best> Hi,… You’ve just reached {name} pleasure palace. We’re all busy as I’m sure you can tell but when we’re done… we’ll get back to you in whatever way we can. <Beep>
You wouldn’t believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one…

“I’m home right now . . . I’m just screening my calls. So just start talking and if you’re someone I want to speak to I’ll pick up the phone. Otherwise, well, what can I say?

“Hi. This is David. I’ve shut the ringers off on my phones and taken a sedative. As soon as I finish this recording I’m going to bed indefinitely. When I wake up I’ll play my messages. Please leave one.”

“Hello, this is Dr. Pangloss. If this were the best of all possible worlds, I could come to the phone right now, but I can’t, so if you could leave your name and number…”

(woman taped off a “phone sex” service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I’m Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you’re a fashion model. Sometimes I just have to … (You interupting) Oh cmon, Linda, give me the damn phone.. (then ask for a message)

Just after the earthquake a friend of mine put on his answering machine: “Hi, this is Jeff. We can’t get to the phone right now because we were killed in the Earthquake. Tragic, isn’t it? But, leave a message anyway, someone is sure to get it eventually.” BEEP

My favorite post quake message: “Hi, we’re not in cause we’re out LOOTING! Leave a message and we’ll call you back and tell you what we got.”

“Hello, I’m not hear right now. In fact, I’m out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I’ll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.”

Ring…click….(sound of loud music in background)…Hello? – just a second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK, sorry about that, hi there, who’s this…well hi!… uh huh…yeah…well listen you’re talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I’ll call you back. (this ran for a while until a friend threatened to kill us after she said she had a 2 minute conversation with the machine.)

“Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can’t answer the phone right now because I’ve just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I’m still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I’ll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.”

“Speak, worm!” <beep> Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.

“Hello?” <beep> This confuses anyone who doesn’t know you.

“Hello, I’m not here.” <beep> A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with “Okay, that’s all I wanted to know.”

Hi!! You’ve reached Janet and Chris’s room. We’re not in right now. If this is our parents, we’re at the library studying. Yeah, yeah, that’s it, that’s the ticket. If this is John (Chris’s boyfriend), Chris is out with the girls at the party. Yeah, that’s it. If this is any one else, we’re at a party and you’re not. Yeah, a party with the president. Yeah and the …. pope. Yeah that’s it. <beep>

One voice: I didn’t expect an answering machine.
Another voice: Nobody expects an answering machine! Our chief use is to get your name.
And phone number
Our two chief uses are to get your name and phone number.
And message.
(damn) Our three uses are to get your name, phone number, and message.
And time you called.
Oh, damn, we’ll have to start over. No–no time for that, so just wait for the beep.

(in an Italian mafia-style tone:) “Hello. I can’t come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to stuff a body in the trunk. I think we’re going to have to size it a little… <aside> HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name and a message. If I like it, you’ll hear from me. If not, _you’ll_hear_ from_Guido! ( a little laughter )… “

Hello, this is <insert your name here>. I’m home right now, and in a few moments, I’ll have a decision to make. BEEEP!

[Theme from “Indiana Jones” in the background.] You’ve reached the residence of John and Tom. We can’t come to the phone right now, because we’re cleaning the refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and we’ll get back to you. [Theme from “Indiana Jones” continues until the beep.]

Hi! John’s answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I’ll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

One of my favorites had this very exciting scary music, along with a kitten crying in the background, and the voice goes: The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and will fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS…. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today’s commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not… er… bear a… er… shalt not witness thy… uh… neighbor’s ass, oh, I mean, false… er… shalt not commit a bear… dern…

How do you leave a message on this thing? I can’t understand the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens if I touch this… YOW!!

I can’t come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I’m at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I’m doing this NOW, while you’re listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it’s NOW, like, when you’re listening to it… I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can’t come to the phone now, so… hey — that’s a nice phone you have there. Hey sugar, you call this number often? I bet you have answering machines bothering you all the time… yes indeedy. Why don’t you give me a call sometime and we can listen to some old recordings… I might even play my beep for you…

Don’t you do it! Don’t you dare! I don’t want to hear it! Don’t you beep! If you beep, I’ll… don’t even think about it!… Don’t…!

After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left the money. I’ll get back to you as soon as it’s safe for you to come out of hiding.

Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting down to test: 5… 4… 3… 2… 1…

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone… the telephone is next to an answering machine… you hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine… you hear a beep…

You’re growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No! Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep! AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is a test. This is a test of the Answering Machine Broadcast System. This is only a test.

Next on Public Radio 91 we’ll be hearing music of Antonin Dvorak. This is the Beep Serenade in C-Sharp Minor, Opus 72…

Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can’t come to the phone right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number, then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to mind when you hear the following words: orange… mother… unicorn… penis. I’ll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.

[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal. [VOICE 2] I’m sorry, Dave, I can’t do that.

I can’t come to the phone right now because I’m down in the basement printing up a fresh new batch of 20 dollar bills. If you need any money, or if you just want to check out my handiwork, please leave your name, number, and how much cash you need after the tone. If you’re from the Department of the Treasury, please ignore this message.

Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway’s not here right now, but if you’ll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he’ll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn’t count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!

Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15 minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you weren’t ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.

C’mon… you can do it… just a little one. That’s the way… just a little beep, just a little one. C’mon… good boy… here we go… like this — beeeeep, just a little one, beeeeeeeeeep, c’mon… There you go!

I can’t come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel stupid talking to people I don’t remember. I’d appreciate it if you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me something about myself. Thanks.

I can’t come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we’ll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.

Ok, One more time… This is our answering machine… This is the message on our answering machine… …Any questions?

<beep, beep, beep> The number you have reached, Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four. [Use your number here.] has not been disconnected and is still in service. Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.

“Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY — Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he’s still out there somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where *YOU* saw Elvis!”

“Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG… Er, no diplomats are able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name, telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell.”

I’ve set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they here a busy signal.

If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can’t come to the phone right now Otherwise, we probably aren’t at home.

The number you’ve dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!

” I’m Morley Safer.” “I’m Harry Reasoner.” “I’m …….. “And I’m” <the guy whose answering machine it was> ” We’re not home; leave a message.” He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded very funny.

“Greetings. You’ve reached Ghengis Kahn’s Pornographic FilmsUnlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in our upcoming feature film “It’s Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You’re Alive to Use It.” If you’re interested in a screen test, or even if you’re not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling.”

Another one I’ve done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound like the machine is broken:(start, low pitch, slow) “Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy…. (middle, normal) ..home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody’s home… (later, high pitch, fast) ..butifyou’dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen… (end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish) ..kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!”

This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I’ll think about returning your call.

“E’llo.” “My name is Inigo Montonya.” “You killed my father.” “Leave your name and number, and prepare to die.” <beep>

My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something like: “I’m writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This is for posterity.”

The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga’s speech sythesizer. It’s set up as a dialog between two distict, but recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it. —–
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1> Right, just us machines, but don’t hang up! If you like, you can leave your name and telephone number…
2> …and a message! You forgot about the message!
1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people get back.
2> …unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!

I taped the operator saying “we’re sorry. The number you have reached has been disconnected or is no longer is service…”

(click) “You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of _your_ voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation, however our staff of professional extortionists will be contacting you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.” (BEEEEEEEEEEEP)

(Use a strong east Indian accent) Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (…). I am currently meditating, but if you leave your name andwhich lifeline you are currently inhabiting at the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you whenthe stars align properly.

Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm… (heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry, I can’t come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the (scream: I’m gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.

<Cackle> That’s right! This is an answering machine! In a few seconds, YOU’RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we’ll listen to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD…

(Background music: Something psychotic sounding, like Revolution 9 (Beatles) or Toccata (ELP)) Hello, you have reached the <Housing Complex> Psychatric Ward. <Residents> aren’t here right now, so LEARN HOW TO COPE WITH IT! (Gasp) Leave a message at the beep, and we’ll discuss your case. Thanks for calling… NOW GO AWAY! Hahahahahaha oof… <chair falling over>

(Background: Something spacy, like “A Saucerful Of Secrets” by Pink Floyd.) (Try to sound like Carl Sagan.) Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here? (Normal voice) I don’t have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the answers at the beep.

“At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone number and a message. You may call as often as you wish.”

“ahhhhhhhhh…hhhhhhhhhhhhh (heavy breathing sounds, like an obcene phone call) Oh, hey, you called me! Sorry, leave your name and number at the beep.”

“This is an answerin’ machine, this machine is designed to take full advantage of its numerous capabilities. Please say what you wanted to talk about and why did ya call me anyhow? Wait for the tone to sound, and leave yer message after the beep.”

(uses pompous John Houseman {prof. Kingsfield} type voice) “It appears Reynaldo has again failed to answer the phone so you’ll just have to leave a message. Right now I’m off to find Reynaldo and probably fire him.”

“Hello. This is Ron’s answering machine, Marvin, and I’m *so* depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don’t talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep.”

“Hello, this is Ron’s toaster. Ron’s new answering machine is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message when the toast is done …. {Cachunk!}”

“Please leave youre name, phone #, time you called, and favorite color of underware. we’ll get back to you if we like the color.”

“Hi, this is Mark, I’m not here anymore because I’ve committed suicide–so if it’s about any money I owe you, I’ll see you in Hell!”

“You have reached (recites number here). No one is available to speak with you right now because we either are not here or don’t feel like picking up the phone. If you are a burglar, we have two hungy dobermans downstairs for your convenience.”

Currently I answer my phone, “Kimona Ackapiecesay!” >From the AT&T commercial where the guy calls Fiji? I have no clue as to what it means, but it never fails to confuse people.

Friend of mine (Known as “K”, to protect the innocent – me, not him!) has anodd one. Picks up phone, says hello, says K isn’t here right now – oh, is that him under the table? No, somebody else. Oh well. Leave a message, I’ll get it to him. (Walkman is playing heavy metal into machine microphone all this time.)

– “Lick It…Stuff it in> <Lick it… Stuff it in> < Lick it.. Stuff it in>”
As you can hear, John and Cathy are busy mailing letters, please leave a message at the tone…

(Airplanes and machine guns in background) Hi, I’d come to the phone, but I’m UNDER ATTACK!

Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye.

Hi. I’m probably home, I’m just avoiding someone I don’t like. Leave me a message, and if I don’t call back, it’s you.

…always calling… the phone, the phone… I can’t reach the phone from here… oh god… this transmission ends…

Hi, I’d get the phone, but I’m busy with this fabulous babe. No wait, I’m busy with two fabulous, heck, four fabulous, no IT’S HUNDREDS, OH MY GOD, IT’S THOUSANDS OF FABULOUS BABES AND THEY ARE EATING MY BRAIN!

(classical music in background, slow stoned voice) Don’t you ever wonder what life would be like?

Dear Caller: as I’m leaving you this message, the sun is shining for a change. Little children are cavorting in the park, and their tasty mothers and teenage sisters are sunbathing practically nude. So, did you really think I was going to stick around this dump?

Hi, this is John’s answering machine. He’s not here, but I’m open to suggestions.

Hi, this is John’s answering machine again. He’s gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Krazy’s. Life sucks.

Hi, I’m not home because I’ve gone on a BLOODY RAMPAGE! When I get home, and CLEAN OFF THE BLOOD, I’ll be sure to give you a call. If I haven’t ALREADY COME OVER, that is. (coughing loony laughter)

From Nikki Davis <[email protected]> I have one that my dad and I came up with when we got our new digital machine.: ( x-files theme in the background) hi, you’ve reached (your phone #). (in a slow, deep voice) -We’re out there… some where… please leave a message after the beep.

From Beth Sawyer <[email protected]> Hello and Welcome to the Psychiatric Hot Line!
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask some to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 & 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we kow who you are and we know what you want, just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press…No one will answer!
From Erin M Collins <[email protected]> :
*Best used by college students*
A is for academics
B is for beer
One of those reasons
Is why we’re not here
From Mark <[email protected]>
<computer generated speech> I’m sorry, but the number you have dialed (your number), is being checked for Y2K compliance. Please leave a message. [Beep].
Someone once replied to this with “I guess its NOT Y2K compliant because its working”. Sad, isn’t it? 🙂
From Kristina Kirshner <[email protected]>
(Star Wars’ theme in background) Hi! We can’t come to the phone right now because we’re trying to get tickets for GUESS WHAT MOVIE?
I have another answering machine message, which is my own answering machine. I was inspired by all those other peoples’ to make this one: “To leave a message for Dan, press the square root of negative 1. For Karen, enter your tax rate. For Kristina, enter the air/speed velocity of an unladen swallow. For Rose, enter pi. Just kidding! This is a regular answering machine, so just leave a message at the sound of the beep!”
From Selena Gonzales <[email protected]>
Hi-i am occupied at the moment attempting to add the finishing touches to my latest project involving a multiplexed spatial howitzer that opens a SPACE-TIME gateway. when completed i will take a journey in time to a parallel dimension. i might be gone for a few days but will be sure to node the queue to come back earlier than I left. please leave a message & I will be sure to get back to you yesterday or the day before.
From RondaLee” <[email protected]>
I do a really great “Jan Brady” voice (The Brady Bunch) So I had this on my machine for a while:
“Hi, Jan Brady here, but you probably didn’t call to talk to me, you probably called for Marcia…Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!
Currently my message is:
Congratulations! You have reached our answering machine. Being that we are rather rude, obnoxious people, you are very lucky, and better off talking to our machine. If you believe there is any possibilty that we will actually care that you’ve called, please leave a message. Oh, and have a nice day.
From Jake Guptill” <[email protected]>
Make it look like your reading the manual. Ex. “Hello. You have reached <insert name here>, we can’t come to the phone right now so leave you name……” just read the manuals example of a message word for word. I think its funny.

From Rhiannon Motley (Our first cel-phone specific voicemail message!):Hello, this is(insert name)’s phone. i am at the bottom of her purse right now, and she can’t hear me. So leave a message and she’ll call you back when she finds me.

From Ashley Brooks [email protected]: Hello, my husband and I are doing something that we enjoy VERY much write now. We do it up and down, side to side, and all the way around. Ahhhh… Leave a message and when we’re done brushing our teeth we’ll get back to you..

From Jake Zadravec <[email protected]>:
“…If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key…”
” 2 eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so thay lit a fire in the craft and it sank, proving once and for all you can’t have your kayak and heat it. Moral of the story: leave a message after the beep or this could happen to you!”
“Hi, at the moment I’m either out or at a secret meeting for world domination…ah, ignore that last bit! Just leave a message after the beep before I accedentally tell you we’re having it at *insert local school* Ah, nuts!”
“Hi, I can hear the phone, but I can’t see it as its probably under one of the old pizza boxes or under some clothes…so leave a message after the beep and I’ll call you after I’ve cleaned the house.”
“Hi, you’ve reached *insert name’s* house, leave a message or forever hold your peace”
“Heya, you’ve reached the relationship guru. Todays philosophy is “if a man is talking in the forest and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? Leave your opinion and message after the beep.”
“Heya, you’ve reached the forest preservation guru. Todays philosophy is “if a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, do all the other trees make fun of it? Leave your opinion and message after the beep.”
From <Name and email address witheld at request>:
(Sung to the tune of “Camptown Ladies”)
i can’t come to the telephone,
doo-dah, doo-dah.
probably cause i’m not at home,
oh de doo-dah day.
i might be gone all night,
i might be gone all day;
please leave a message when you hear the tone,
i’ll call you back someday!
From YVONNE Ohlinger:
Oh my gosh
were not home
leave a message on my phone
make it short and make it sweet
or we’ll push the delete
From Brat Heinrichs:
i recorded this message using the theme song to Spongebob Squarepants…
“who knows what to do when the voicemail will beep? LEAVE A MESSAGE!!
phone number message and name if you please! LEAVE A MESSAGE!! ready?
LEAVE A MESSAGE LEAVE A MESSAGE LEAVE A MESSAGE!!! (add in that annoying little flute sound at the end)”
i get some interesting responses…thought id share with you…
From <anonymous>:
I’m outside since it’s springing
can’t hear the phone if it’s ringing
so leave a message here for me
i’ll call you back ASAP
Today is a special day
Our 20th anniversary
Since there’s so much to do
We don’t have time to talk to you
But you can leave a song or rhyme
Or congratulations would be fine
From <Anonymous>:
heres one that ive been using a while, I typed it out and had it read out by one of the text to speech programs available online.
Thank you for calling…(number) Unfortunately, due to the high incidence of data corruption, viruses and spam, your call has been redirected through to a malicious call detection service. Please leave a message, and your contact will return your call on a digitally encoded safe line. Please be advised spam will be automatically deleted and reported.
I was in a mood for message creating and Ive just recorded this one.. its a little long but i think its funny in my warped sense of humour way….
Thank you for calling Telephone a psychic. Please press a number, any number while thinking of…. (Your name) Saint clare….(Pause for a few seconds)…
Thank you, your selection is now processed. The number you selected and the current time and the astrological configuration in ancient Atlantean mythology is called The flight of the duck with the broken wing, riding a horse eating hay. This auspicious configuration indicates, that by the grace of the heavens your call may be returned in the near future. You will also need to make a decision of some importance in the next 10 seconds. Will you leave a message please?
From YVONNE Ohlinger:
Oh my gosh!
We’re not home!
Please leave a message on our phone…
But make it short
and make it sweet
or we’ll push the delete!
From Amanda Applebaum:
I got some great responses to this one. Beware, though, i had a lot of people yelling at me about how long it was.
(Mission Impossible theme playing in the background) Hi. I cant come to the phone right now, because I am currently dangling from the ceiling, inches away from a motion sensing beam that, if I touch, will send about 30 guards into the room to capture me. You dont want that, now, do you? So leave a message and I’ll get back to you when im done saving the world.
From Rebecca Cherone
Mine’s fun and it tends to confuse people…
“Hi, this is the Cherone Family. Please leave your name and number after the beep.” Then continue to make a series of beeps with different tones.
From Kristal March
My roommate and i used this on our answering machine.
Sara: Hi it’s Sara
Claire: and Claire
Sara: If it’s the morning, we’re passed out.
Claire: If it’s the evening, we’re just out.
Sara: Leave a message
Claire: and we’ll get back to you
Sara: as soon as we’re no longer hungover
Claire: or drunk
together: Bye!
From Claire
“Hi this is (instert name) please leave your name and number after the beep.”
*put in a realistic phone beeping tone*
*wait 5 seconds*
“you’ll have to reiterate that after the REAL beep!”
From Michael Diischer
We’ve used this message for several months and love it when people who call try and sing to us…
“Hi, this is [ Your Names} we’re not here right now. We’ve gone out to a concert. You know how we love music. So leave us a Message – – Actually Sing it to us..Here’s your Pitch <BEEP>”
From Jessica
Hey what’s up its Jessi
Just leave my a messe (message)
I can’t get to the phone, so leave me alone
Ill call you right back, you know I talk that
So holla at me lata’(later), ill see ya alligator!!
From James (J c S Jr)

By leaving a message you admit and accept all liability for my actions. Thank you.

From la_belle_ange

I’m a teacher and had to make one of those calls home. I ended up getting the answering macine, which said: ” hi, life is about changes right now. So leave us a message. If we don’t call u back, u were one of those changes.”


From: Benji Frith

[Soft Jazz] Wait a few seconds… [Faint high pitched screams in the distance along with lots of shuffling] …[Voice modifier] [Panting]
This is <insert name> I can’t get to the phone right now because I am busy thank you and have a nice day. [drop the phone and let it time out]
[Benji, i’m scared what your friends are like if they enjoy this – Matt]
From: Jeanne Heal

This is the one my sister uses:
(To the tune of “Camp town ladies”)


I can’t come to the telephone,
Do-da, do-da
Leave a message when you hear the tone,
Oh, de-do-da-day

Might be gone all night
Might be gone all day
Leave a message when you hear the tone.
I’ll call you back some day

From: Anonymous 2014-05-14

I love your answering machine message collection; most of them sounded pretty funny! Since I saw some fan submissions near the bottom, I figured I’d send you some good ones I came up with:

*in an Elvis voice* Hello, you’ve reached Elvis. I’m in hiding right now, uh-huh, so leave your name and impersonation at the tone and I’ll get back to you when I can. Thank you. Thank you very much. (BEEP)

*impersonating Super Mario* Hello! You’ve-a reached-a the Mario Brothers plumbing business-a! The princess has-a been kidnapped, so we can’t-a answer our-a phone right now. Leave-a your message and-a we’ll call you back-a! (BEEP)

*impersonating the Doctor from Doctor Who* Sorry, I can’t answer the phone due to wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff. Leave your message after the beep and I’ll return your call yesterday in my TARDIS. (BEEP)

We’re sorry, the number you have dialed is not in service at this time. Please try your call agai-Wait. The phone service just told me that this number is working and the caller has just not answered. Please leave your message at the tone. (BEEP)

Get a friend for this one, and have him/her say: Hello, this is (friend’s name), I can’t come to the phone right now. Oh, wait, is this (your name)’s phone? In that case, he couldn’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and he’ll get to it. (BEEP)

Please enjoy the music while your party is reached. *play some static over-ridden classical music for 15-30 seconds, followed by your regular answering machine message*

Try reciting the default answering machine message in a foreign language.

*in a voice that sound like you’ve eaten too much* I’ll get it! Ungh….. I… can’t… reach… this….. dadgum…. phone… Dangit, it stopped ringing! Oh well, I’ll answer it next time… (BEEP)

You’ve reached the Procrastinators’ Club. We couldn’t get to the phone, so leave a message, and maybe we’ll return your call next week. (BEEP)

Hello. This is (your name). I’m at home, but I’m not answering because I hate people. (BEEP)

Hello, this is (your name), and I can’t answer now. If you’re calling from a handset phone, I’ll return you call later. If you’re calling from a cell phone, please send a text to my cell number. And if you’re calling from a rotary phone, get on with the times, old man! (BEEP)

From the Despicable Me film: “This… is a recording.” “No, it’s not!” “Yes, it is. Watch this: Leave a message. Beep.”

If you are really nice and Mail me some more, maybe i’ll include them…Let me know if you want your name or email omitted.