Matt's Story Puns Collection

Not for the faint of heart...

It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and she did this on a hippopotamus hide.

 I guess *THIS* shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other. One kindgom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people powerful.

Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind of thing) to fetch it. The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king's castle.

The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!

The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened, hid until nightfall.

When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the castle.

Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.

Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.)

After having walked half the night with the heavy throne between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself, let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was "hid" in the farmer's attic.

Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed

the pages.

The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer and his wife.

Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

When the powerful king found his throne missing the next day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as follows:


Where is the throne?


I cannot tell you.


Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his head!

Count: (as the axe is swinging down...) Ok! I will tell you!


Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.

Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game.

Our Hero was travelling through the mountains on his quest for the Holy Grail, when a fierce storm blew up and his steed caught some horsey sickness. He hied to a monastary, and asked the abbot for a replacement, citing their loyalty to God. It was the winter season, and nightfall was approaching as they looked through the stables. All of the other horses were sneezing a coughing also, until they came to a stable, where a large shaggy dog resided. The knight asked for him, to which the abbot replied, "Oh, no, it is still stormy and getting dark. I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."

An international chess tournament is being held in a swank hotel in New York. Everyone who is anyone in the world of chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, the players and their entourages retire to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment.

In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who is the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player. The argument gets loud, each player claiming that he is the greatest chess player of all time.

One security guard in the lobby turns to the other and says:

If there's one thing I can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

(forgive me . . .)

There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got the bus, and set off on his route.

At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said,

"Hi. My name is Patty."

The driver replied,

"Hi, Patty. Please take a seat."

At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier than the first. She got on and said,

"Good morning! My name's Patty."

The driver answered,

"Good morning. Please sit down."

At the third stop there was a little boy waiting. He was dressed in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a calculator holster on his belt. He said,

"Hi. My name is Ross, and I'm special!"

The driver wasn't impressed, but he managed a smile and said,

"Please sit down, Ross."

The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy with dirty jeans and torn sneakers. He got on the bus and said,

"My name is Lester Cheese."

The driver replied,

"Please take a seat, Lester."

Well, he's driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is scratching at his foot. The driver pulls the bus over to the side of the rode, stops it, and says,

"I can't take this any longer! I've got

two obese Patties,

special Ross,

Lester Cheese picking bunions

on a Sesame Street bus!

there was a russian man named rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. one evening rudolph and his wife, helga, were walking along, and it begins to snow. "my, my, look at the lovely snow," said helga.

"no, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied rudolph.

"no, no, no, this is snow," she said.

"look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."

rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said "is it raining or snowing?"

the gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"

rudolph replied, "raining."

and the gaurd said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

so rudolph and helga went walking off. the gaurd could just barely hear

the KGB official say:


Two guys were stranded on a desert island. The only way they could get food was to kill sea birds by throwing rocks at them. By the time they were rescued, ... They had left no tern unstoned.

It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique and exotic plant life.

One day, some children where playing behind the shop and were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant.

The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused.

So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get the friars to consent, but finally they had to ask Hugh, the town blacksmith, (undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town.

The Moral is : "Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!"

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George ("Blood 'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued an order to place copies of the New York "Times" immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops. In this way the men could keep their feet dry.

His staff was mystified. Why the "Times"? Why not the New York "Daily News"? Patton was adamant; and one did not argue with the General. As five tons of old copies of the "Times" were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents:


Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but ,alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled

"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"

"What for ?",the mad scientist asked.

And the answer was:

For making an obscene clone fall.

there were two microbes who lived inside of a horse. They were just barely squeeking out a living by eating any small pieces of food that passed by the tiny capilary in which they were living. After discussing it among themselves, they decided to move out to a bigger artery, and then to a large vein, but in that they realized their mistake. They forgot the old maxim... DON'T CHANGE STREAMS IN MID-HORSE

There was a teller at a bank, Ms. Jane Paddywack, who was trying to make it through her last couple customers and get out to lunch, when a small frog came jumping up the line, and up to her window.

"I'd like to get a lilly-pad renovation loan"

Well, a bit suprised, but a capably woman, she replied, "I'll have

to see some collateral first"

"Of course," said the frog, and proceed to drag up to the window a large ivory statue of a, a, a THING. She didn't even know how to describe it, let alone know what it was. So she brought it back to Mr. Stein, the bank manager. He had been at the bank for a while, and had seen the frog come in for numerous loans before, so he simply replied...


A Neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

Two atoms are walking down the streen and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!".

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm positive!"

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